the pleasure principle

sometimes, when i check my email, i let it just sit in my inbox without reading it. i'm not sure whether it's because i'm scared or excited. my brother says i'm a "pleasure delayer". but it's not always pleasurable to read the actual email, if it's not as good as i was anticipating - in which case i'd be more of a "pleasure prolonger". and i start to wonder whether there's more in the anticipation than in the actual event - or whether the anticipation is the event? and if so, does that work for music too? i.e. in the silence before the music starts?

of course, this is based deep down on my inherent mistrust of technology, and the fact that email is such a weird fucking medium - the un-opened email could say anything, even something absolutely terrifying which catches you off guard and ruins your life. i had a friend once who was seeing a guy and one day received an email out of the blue ending their relationship and saying some terrible things...and she thought it would be a love letter. of course, in the end it all worked out okay, because typing can make you do/say some strange things, which i guess is all part of the problem. and if she had delayed her opening of that email, i imagine the blow would've been quite a lot worse. which goes to show how expectations are really the root of all evil, because nothing could be considered "evil" unless it was at some level expected to be good.

i've been thinking a lot lately about morals, probably because i've started reading the collected works of oscar wilde when i feel lonely. he makes me feel like i have company. loneliness, i think, is also a matter of expectations.

sometimes when i finally read an email, it's delightful and surpasses any expections i haven't managed to deconstruct. those are my favourites. they make the anticipation worthwhile, because it leads somewhere - not that it has to, but my hegelian side still enjoys the notion of progress. of course, my non-hegelian side simultaneously enjoys the fact that the process never ends - inboxes keep filling with mail, and like ripping off bandaids, i consider it an act of courage when i actually read what they have to say. i just hope i don't prolong the anticipation until it's too late.

-dg